As the summer winds down, I always have a sense of sadness as I know soon my flowers will no longer be able to live. I’ve spent many hours of time and love growing them into big beautiful plants. They have brought me such peace and joy over the last several months. The entire summer has been spent making them into mature and beautiful plants.
The other night we had an awful, beautiful storm building.
We had been in a drought this summer battling smoke and wildfires all around us all summer long. We have been praying four long months for rain.
Smokey sunset 
The Helicopter going to get fuel.
The beautiful rain started. I was filled with such gratefulness and thankfulness as we thanked God for answering our long-awaited request.
Then it happened… All at once the downpour of rain became HAIL. My family watched helplessly from inside the protection of our home as the hail struck and put holes in the leaves. It broke whole stems, throwing them haphazardly to the ground without a second thought, shredding and bashing
The storm only lasted about 15 minutes. We watched the flood waters rushing down our street. Then we had to quickly run outside after the hail stopped to start pumping water out of the window well to keep the basement from flooding. I was filled with anger, hurt, and sorrow. How had something we had prayed so long for taking such a turn for the worst? The storm blew over and with tears, I went out to asses the damage to my flowers. I felt the sting of rejection. All my hopes and dreams shattered in a few minutes time. Something that was supposed to be a blessing so quickly turned to disaster.
I had the thought, “I need to find something positive in this. What good can God bring of this?” I watched my children playing in the hail piles and running through the still-flowing river down the street. I thought to myself, “I choose to find happiness at this moment.”
My thoughts turned to the hope of the rainbow. I had also been praying for a rainbow. Surely after an awful storm like this God would grace my broken heart with a rainbow. It truly would mean so much! After losing our baby Jacob at only 11 weeks a rainbow now signifies something so much greater to me. I ran to the front yard searching for God’s grace. His rainbow, a sign that the storm was finally over, and that his love remains steadfast. But, it wasn’t there and it never came with this storm or the next. It wasn’t until several storms later we finally got a faint, but beautiful, rainbow.
I now see such parallels between the loss of our baby Jacob and this awful storm.
We had prayed so long for this sweet baby. Almost 5 years to be exact. The moment we saw his tiny beating heart at only 6 weeks old. We were filled with immeasurable joy and thankfulness, as we dreamed about all the things we would teach him and, the ways we would love him. Then in what felt like the very next moment, we were flung into the utter depths of despair; as his life in one instant was taken from this life into eternity only 3 short weeks later. With no more than a couple of pictures. No flutter or kick, not a sound, no laughs or cries will be heard on this earth. The pain and devastation were engulfing us and felt so unbearable, yet amazingly God’s comfort and unfathomable love still fills us.
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding,
This phrase hit me. He knows my hurt; and records
As Sam and I sat on the couch with the worst news of our life. It felt as if the floor falling from beneath our feet and the darkness was surrounding us. It felt like the breath was being stolen from our lungs with the pain and sorrow of our loss so real. My husband began to praise and thank Jesus for his never-ending love and faithfulness. As I sat in anger and hurt he was lifting praise to our Maker and Savior. But as crazy as it sounds, slowly but surely it started to feel like we could breathe again. I’ve never felt such hurt and pain and yet such a calming peaceful love at the same time. It felt and still feels surreal.
Philippians 4:6 tells us, “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need.”
We told God of our need for him to help us take the very next breath. Then, we asked him to take out the darkness that was filling our home and hearts. Still, we told him of our devastating and heart-stopping hurts and grief, and our lack of understanding.
Verse 7 goes on to say “ THEN you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.” This peace truly did exceed anything I could or can fathom still today. It’s as if he was in the very room with us holding us in His arms. Then it says, “His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” We are called to fix our thoughts on what is true, good honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable. We are called to continually practice these things and he tells us “THEN the GOD OF PEACE WILL BE WITH YOU.”
I’ve told my husband a few times since this that I would give anything to feel and experience that amount of love and peace again! Yet I guess if I always had that amount of comfort, I might do nothing else but sit back and bask in His light and love. Maybe this was a small taste of what Heaven will be like (without the sorrow attached to it.) WOW! What an unfathomable experience that will be.
Even after all the peace and love, I’ve felt there are still times the waves of loss crash over me. I still see the devastation and sorrow from missing Jacob. We want so badly for God to bless us with another child. So
So I cling to the all-knowing, all-comforting God and ask that in his time he will bless us yet again with a baby. God knows the desires of our hearts.
Psalm 37:4, ”Take delight in the LORD and he will give you your hearts desires. Commit everything you do to the LORD, TRUST Him, He will help you. Vs7- Be still in the presence of the LORD and wait Patiently for him to act.”
Winter…
So here we are now. Winter has hit and the cold darkness sometimes feeling like it is trying to swallow our hopes whole. Yet we choose to ask and patiently wait. We seek his face and his will. We ask him to help us focus on the next step he would have us to take. Psalms 16:9 says for we know, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.” We pray that God will continue to direct our hearts and steps and that we will continue to be thankful for the new growth and perspective even in the dark, snowy cold. Like the seed that is sitting all winter long waiting for the warm summer sun to spur it on to new life again.
Jacob’s tree under 2 feet of snow. 
Beautifully cold
frosted tree
All the while letting his growth press us on to the goal. Oh, that he might use our hurt and growth for HIS GLORY alone! Father, we trust you still! For your ways are higher than ours. Father, we believe but help us in our unbelief, for you see from a greater perspective than our own.
Father, we know your plans for us are good, not to harm us. Your plans are to give us hope and a future. I love you! Jesus, thank you for your unfathomable mercy, grace, and love. We are grateful for the chance to experience your overwhelming peace in the storms of this life! Father, you gave your son as a ransom for us, and if you did nothing else for us, that alone would be more than we could ever ask or imagine! You are faithful and true always! Father thank you for your never-ending, never failing love you so freely pour out over us. -Amen